[ coward ]
Monday, October 11, 2010 by Erin Collins
Problem 1: I have come to the definite conclusion that, in order for me to be happy, I have to marry my best friend. Not someone I care about, not someone I just love, but my best friend. The difficulty herein lies in the fact that my current best friend is gay and will never be interested in me. So until then, I tend to force people into meeting his standards.
Problem 2: My standards are ridiculously high. I've been romantically involved with 2 men. Each are lacking something. In one of them, it's love, in the other...well, he's just not my best friend. He gets me and can read me, makes me laugh, I love him, and I can have a great conversation with him. I could almost argue that he understands me more than my best friend...but there's something missing. I don't have the feelings that my best friend can give me. Not physical feelings, but the emotional ones. My best friend gives me that utter happiness and contendedness. Being around him is usually the best part of my day.
Problem 3: I hurt anyone who is even slightly interested in me. I hope and hope that they'll be the guy to sweep me off my feet, so I let them in a little. I let them see the real me for a little while hoping they up and run. Yet, so far, each guy has just been more drawn to me. So of course, hormones being hormones, I let them closer to me physically...because my train of thought is always, "Oh, hmm, maybe this WILL work". Yet to the guy, this of course is just another root I dig deep into his heart. Slowly though, I begin to realize that I still enjoy my best friend's company so much more than theirs. So after dragging this guy along for a while, what do I do? I freak myself out. I panic. I run. I usually tend to write this off as my over-abundance of independence. But see, now I know that I'm afraid of committment. I'm just a coward.
Disclaimer: I do not enjoy doing this to people. In fact, quite the opposite - I hate myself for it. I hate who I tend to be when this happens. But as much as I hate it, I cannot force myself to settle. I know I need to keep searching. I know that I have to be in love with the person before I marry him. Not just love, but IN love. It sucks, but it's the truth.
